Time to Rant

This week has taught me a couple of things, if you feel like it's time for a change and you keep coming back to the same conclussion of what you feel you need to change than you need to go with it and just do it. I sort of blew up at a co woker this week which pushed me to make a decission to do something I've been feeling I needed to do for a while. It's really not easy to stand up to people, for me it's the hardest thing to do but this week pushed me to start doing it and to take action. I feel like people push and push and push until you just snap and once the bitch in you comes out people think you're the horrible one, but you're not sometimes you just have to be a bitch in order to make it in this world I guess. I'm learning more everyday that it's not necessary to please or make nice with everyone or even anyone, sometimes being friendless especially at your work place is fine, It seems like the more friends you have at work the more drama is created. I guess the saying you shouldn't mix business with pleasure is starting to become more relavent to me. Now don't get me wrong do I wish I could make friends at work yes I mean we spend 60% of our life at work of coarse I want fun people to be around and talk to and have fun with and be able to go out with on the weekends, but it seems like every person I've tried to make friends with that I also work with they don't stay your friend for very long than you sit there and regret all the personal stuff you shared cuz than you realize how much you shouldn't trust them. So I don't know the moral of the story is I think I need to be more carefull who I associate with be less trusting and make people work for my trust, stop sharing personal stuff with people I don't know too well, and stop caring if people at work like me because at the end of the day it's work you go there to make money to pay bills and you need to start asking yourself do I really care what these ass holes think of me anyways? If peoiple don't like the best work you can do that's their fault not yours, as long as you know you've tried and done the best you can do than honestly fuck everyone else let them be haters obviously they're jealous that you succeeded when they rooted for you to fail. At the end of the day it's not your coleagues who matter anyways, it's your family and your friends your real friends who root for you to succeed and support you. End of rant for today stay tuned though I might need to do more later.

Life and Friendship

I never meant for this blog to be where I vent or let off steam but sometimes I can't help it, people have been really pushing my buttons lately and feel like it's time I stop taking their shit. Bullying in any shape or form is never ok, and no matter what your age it is possible to be bullied. Don't let people bully you no one ever deserves to be treated wth such disrespect. Even if they say they're just joking even if the bullying comes from someone who claims they're your friend no I'm sorry friends don't bully or disrespect their friends. If you feel like you need to go to someone do it don't tolerate peoples bull shit. Yes it's going to be hard to be curageous to stand up to a bully cuz when bullies are stood up to things get ugly but they need to know what they do to you isn't ok. I hope if anyone is getting bullied they can find the courage to do something about it, no one deserves to live life like that. You don't need a friend who disrespects you or says things to you that make you feel lower than dirt or worthless, make friends who love supoort and guide you for good. Ditch the ones who bring you down. Life is far too short to put up with such bull shit.

I'm A Strong Woman

My mind can be a dangerous place,

A place where all my demons I must face.

Too much thinking often will lead me to tears,

When I think of life or focus too much on my fears.

Life has often been cruel to me,

I have seen things that a person shouldn't have to see.

I have survived many storms and put up many a wall,

I have fallen even when I've told myself not to fall.

Maybe I trust too easily maybe I shouldn't trust at all,

Instaed of picking people up I should let them fall.

But in the end I can't escape the person that I am,

After all I am who i am and I'm only human.

In my heart there is a battle between the person I am and who I wish I could be,

I wish I could bring pain upon those who have brought pain onto me.

I know who I am so that's who I'll continue to be,

I will no longer give others power over me.

I have to take control of my life back,

I have to fix the things in which I lack.

I need to focus on myself and what will make me a better human,

I need to better myself and show the world I'm a strong woman.

Becoming A Bitch

It's really pretty sad when you literally have to be a bitch to every person you work with just to survive your job. I mean you have to become a really mean person other wise people walk all over you, and I am by no means a bitch I hate confrintation, and drama. I don't like to be bossed around by people who don't even have authority but who like to pretend like they know it all and try to act like they make the rules and can do whatever they want and most of the time get away with it. I am almost ready to give up on this palce and just find somewhere else to work It's getting to be too much for me.

Music

Music seems to be the center of my universe, I live and breathe it, I need music like I need food. Music speaks to my soul, and when I hear songs that I love it's like my heart comes alive. I can't explain how I feel when I hear music, when I hear someone with a strong amazing voice it actually makes me cry and I feel like I can feel the pain or happiness that they are feeling. Music has become my drug for life it's my escape from reality and from life, Sometimes music says what I can't say or what I'm too afraid to say. Music is my life, my love and my passion.

Being a Sensitive Girl

I get told all the time that I'm too sensitive and that I shouldn't take peoples so called jokes to heart, well sorry but that's just who I am, do people think I enjoy being so sensitive and knowing my feelings get hurt too easily sometimes.? It's not easy to be sensitive, I always have to fight back tears when I'm mad or overly stressed because my tear ducts seem to be directly connected to my emotions, and when people see you cry it makes them feel like they have power over you and it makes you look weak. Which I'm sure that's what people think of me they think i'm weak. But I'm not sometimes people are just ass holes and like to say rude shit to you to bring you down on purpose cuz they don't like to see you succeed at anything than when they learn that what they said pissed you off than they try to cover it up by saying oh well I was just kidding that's how I am I joke around, um sorry but how is saying something rude to someone and putting them down funny? Cuz it's not funny to me sorry don't sit there and tell me you are my friend but than constantly say shit to me that puts me down or expect me to always have your back but than you never have mine and expect me to wanna be nice and friends with you but than you talk shit on me, if that's what you think friendship is you got a long dissappointing road ahead of you my dear. Maybe I'm not sensitive maybe you're just a bully and maybe you really aren't a nice person, and I don't like to associate with bullies. Some people really need to check themselves because sorry but I won't associate with people who enjoy be littling me and putting me down, and who only take instead of give. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive and people who think you should be ashamed of how you are don't deserve to be part of your life.

That One Friend

We all have that one friend or co worker who expects all this special treatment and for people to do everything for them but are un willing to do anything for others, They want people to buy them stuff like candy or drinks or take them to dinner or to hang out but expect you to pay and you end up getting nothing in return it's all take to them... So homestly can you even call this person a friend? That sounds more like a mooch, They are always complaining that they think you need to do all this shit for them but um hello what do you really do for the people who constantly give to you in return? Friendships don't work like that, so I don't know maybe you should re think who you consider friends and not consider them a friend. 

Venting

Oh Lord, Baby Jesus, I feel very pissed off right now. I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I bust my ass no one ever appreciates what I do, or what I've gone through to get where I am today. My line of work isn't the easiest but than I gotta deal with ass holes and ignorant comments  and be constantly put down by people. What is the point than of working so hard for people but than be treated like shit and like I'm nothing, Plus having people act like they're your friends but than they're talking shit on you and to you and putting you down. I'm so sick of fake people is there really no such thing as a real person these days or a real friend? I don't understand what I do to people to deserve the treatment they give me. I'm sick of petty people. I'm sick of fake ass people, I'm sick of negative people who are only for themselves. Maybe I should start doing what they do and be a bitch right back, that's actually sounding real damn good right no.....End of rant for now.

Deep Down Inside

I know we all have secrets and pasts, we all have been through pain and have been let down, I know I have, I have been through things I thought un imaginable and have asked myself what I did to deserve to be hurt so bad, do you know what it's like to live feeling like you have to hide part of your life from the world? Because you know how much people can judge and most people won't take time to understand what you're going through. I won't get into much detail about my life problems yet but I just needed to write down how life has made me feel this past year. I never thought I could ever loath a human beings existance as much as I do a certain person who has crossed paths with me. I never thought I could be so hurt and angry at a person before to the point where sometimes I wish bad things to happen to them and I know that meakes me seem like a horrrid person but it's the truth, I have wished some terrible things on this person and I have wished many times that I could find a way to hurt them back just as much so they could feel the hurt and pain they caused me. I never knew I could have so many trust issues to the point where I just wanna shut the person out and never give them power to hurt me ever again and I never knew how strong I was until I had to learn to be strong just to get out of bed and find some reason to go on existing even though I felt like at times I had nothing to live for. People think that just because you're trying to be strong that things don't bother you but those people don't know how many tears I've cried and how many sleepless nights I suffered on their behalf, or how much anxiety I've felt because of them or how deppressed you feel becuase of them. Sometimes the pain is more than I can handle to where I want to either drink myself into oblivion, take some type of medicine to make me numb or just not go on at all. But one thing I am learning is you can't let people have that much control over you. No matter what they've done, The healing process when you've been that hurt seems long and I want to forgive and forget about what happened and I hope one day I can forgive and forget, But the shitty thing is healing takes time. My heart needs to heal and my soul needs to discover who I really am as a person, The weird reality of pain is it makes you discover who you are and who you want to become. I know with time I'll be ok and I won't hurt whether it takes a few months or years or the rest of my life but right now it feels like I'll be living with this pain forever. I don't know what god is trying to teach me from this experince but I really hope I can handle all this. But right now I feel so lost and betrayed and worst of all I feel broken.

The Sad Truth

You know what's fucking sad? When people care more about doing drugs than they do about their kids or their family or having a stable job to be able to support their family. It's like come the fuck on like how could you choose an illigal substance over your own child or your family, like get your priorities straight dudes. Yeah it's your life if you wanna party and do that shit every blue moon great but when you gotta do it everyday and make excuses to need it and are constantly choosing that over your loved ones than man you need some fuckin help! I really don't feel bad for people who always complain that they need to get their shit together but than they can't lay the fuck off their substances to get their shit together well guess what don't cry to me no more that you can't see your kids or you don't got a job cuz guess what if you would get your shit together and lay off your shit you could get your life together and you ain't gonna come around here bringing me down no more. I'm so done with these low life people just stay away if you can't grow up and be a fucking adult....