Deep Down Inside

I know we all have secrets and pasts, we all have been through pain and have been let down, I know I have, I have been through things I thought un imaginable and have asked myself what I did to deserve to be hurt so bad, do you know what it's like to live feeling like you have to hide part of your life from the world? Because you know how much people can judge and most people won't take time to understand what you're going through. I won't get into much detail about my life problems yet but I just needed to write down how life has made me feel this past year. I never thought I could ever loath a human beings existance as much as I do a certain person who has crossed paths with me. I never thought I could be so hurt and angry at a person before to the point where sometimes I wish bad things to happen to them and I know that meakes me seem like a horrrid person but it's the truth, I have wished some terrible things on this person and I have wished many times that I could find a way to hurt them back just as much so they could feel the hurt and pain they caused me. I never knew I could have so many trust issues to the point where I just wanna shut the person out and never give them power to hurt me ever again and I never knew how strong I was until I had to learn to be strong just to get out of bed and find some reason to go on existing even though I felt like at times I had nothing to live for. People think that just because you're trying to be strong that things don't bother you but those people don't know how many tears I've cried and how many sleepless nights I suffered on their behalf, or how much anxiety I've felt because of them or how deppressed you feel becuase of them. Sometimes the pain is more than I can handle to where I want to either drink myself into oblivion, take some type of medicine to make me numb or just not go on at all. But one thing I am learning is you can't let people have that much control over you. No matter what they've done, The healing process when you've been that hurt seems long and I want to forgive and forget about what happened and I hope one day I can forgive and forget, But the shitty thing is healing takes time. My heart needs to heal and my soul needs to discover who I really am as a person, The weird reality of pain is it makes you discover who you are and who you want to become. I know with time I'll be ok and I won't hurt whether it takes a few months or years or the rest of my life but right now it feels like I'll be living with this pain forever. I don't know what god is trying to teach me from this experince but I really hope I can handle all this. But right now I feel so lost and betrayed and worst of all I feel broken.